I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.
You might have noticed the silence the last week. The break started because one of my boys and I were sick. Then as we were feeling better, I decided to take a week long break. I have been working hard on all things, BadWolfBobbi since the beginning of the summer. I am not complaining, I love social media it makes me happy. I do all this because it brings me joy, I hope being open about my mental health and life will help others no they are not alone.
Life with invisible illness is lonely a lot of the time. A lot of friendships today are superficial, which get exhausting after a while. Those true friends that will talk to you about anything even during the dark times are gems. I am lucky that I have an amazing group of friends that I can celebrate the good and damn those people are there when I push everyone away and the darkness is winning. I have some bad ass besties that will beat down the wall and get me talking when I need too but don’t want too. This happens a lot, it is easy to shut down and not share how I am really feeling.
I am that annoying friend that can tell when you need an ear. I love when my friends need a friend back, because I feel like I am the taker in a lot of my friendships. I don’t want to be that way, I want to be a great friend. I want to be to my friends what they are too me. Anxiety is a fickle beast; it is always telling you aren’t good enough. Or at least mine is. It is amazing how you can be having a good day and then feel like you are floating in a pool of a thousand hand buzzers. It comes out of no where sometimes and it last for minutes to hours. It is hard to explain to people. I have no idea if any of this made sense it was just what was on my mind tonight. I hope you have a great week.
TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)
There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.
I don’t know if anyone noticed but I dove back into blogging last week. After basically being MIA for the last 3 years maybe longer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love blogging anymore. I do, I mean there was a post here and there. It was that I was floundering, I didn’t know where I fit into the blogging world anymore and what I want my blog to be. Believe it are not there was a 6 month period in there where I thought I would let my domains go and just have my archives. Then I was like that isn’t what I want. I enjoy writing, I enjoy sharing MY life (more on that later) and things that make it easier. I knew that I couldn’t be a Mommy Blog anymore, which is what this blog started out as. Does anyone remember “When did I go from a Kid to a Grown Up?”, my blog’s original title. I started it when Ian was 2 months old. I doubt my boys want a full blog dedicated to them and their lives? When I realized I wasn’t comfortable with that genre anymore that is where I started to flounder. I mean I am not out here to get rich from my writing. What do I want to write about, I blogged for 5 years before this blog, sadly those archives aren’t here and I don’t think I could find them even if I wanted too. Mostly the ramblings of a manic college student (not joking spent most of late teens and early 20’s manic). So none of us are missing anything.
Now what is coming to BadWolfBobbi, now that I am no longer a mommy blog. There might be parent post, like a back to school prep post or stuff like that but nothing super invasive about my boys lives. More post about me and my life; my struggle with my mental health, being awkward, geek, and all that jazz. More lifestyle post; more hacks that I have found to work for me, how I overcame the messy house past, and more mumbo jumbo. And most exciting for me is the on going series about TootToot and Siobhan, that is written by Micheal who plays Siobhan. I contribute but the overall idea and writing is his. We have played these characters for two years, they are best friends. The series starts after they split from their party to return somewhere to handle some business. More will be revealed.
A brief catch up with me; we purchased our first home in 2018 (exciting). I recently started therapy for the first time since leaving Colorado. Lost my mom in August of 2017. We lost FootFoot in May 2017. We went on our first vacation as a couple and family vacations. Celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary; 14 years together. Dude that is almost a quarter of my life, he is amazing to put up with me. We got a cat, his name is Bra’tac; he is our furry overlord. We hope we serve him well. Was hospitalized in April 2017, and the months after that until October 2017 were hell. Since October 2017 and a new medication cocktail; my mental health has been the best overall it has ever been in my life. Please don’t think it has been perfect there are still tough times, but they are shorter and farther apart. I quit Facebook (we already talked about that). With no plans to return, it has been over two weeks and it has been great. I got a new to me car that isn’t a late model and is going to last more then a year or two. With that came our first car payment in 4 years, ouch (haha). I have traveled a bit by myself, there is something about taking adventures if you can. I have began to accept myself a little more. I am a work in progress. I am excited to see what this new path for me on BadWolfBobbi holds, I hope you come along.
If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.
I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.